Queer women can be constantly as a result of truly go into it about what we *mean* when we talk about
‘topping’ or ‘bottoming’
— so can be we! Which is the reason why we did
a complete detailed study
of y’all on the subject just a couple of in years past, doing the evaluation on what y’all mean when you explore
tops
,
soles
,
switches
, and
a lot more
. Bear in mind seems to be the case with us, however, it felt like there was clearly even more to procedure right here. Regardless of how a lot survey data we gather, it really is tough to access the way these a few ideas perform call at all of our actual physical lives, and exactly how two people utilizing the same terms for themselves might embody them extremely in another way. It felt like the only way to actually check out just how that takes on on would be to, you know, speak with each other — so here’s a few discussions among like staffers looking to get into the bottom of what queer intimate dynamics imply within genuine resides.

This discussion ended up being around examining the question of:

How maybe you’ve identified (or not) your character eventually? Provides it changed, do you to start with believe you « were » one thing and today you ID in a different way? How performed that feel and what did it talk about? How do you ID now, and where do you find it within that ~ journey ~?

Rachel
:

I think while i understood exactly what topping and bottoming had been very early in « being queer, » it failed to happen to me to even ID together until after I got separated at 28 and devoted to informal relationship with females and most soughtafter trans folks of varying sexes – before it felt like since I was internet dating both ladies and cis males and had been frequently in long-term relationships it don’t feel as pertinent — more like i recently did any worked for the reason that relationship. I do believe in addition, it had a great deal to do with youthfulness and insecurity, however, because In my opinion I would ID generally the same (as a leading) now no matter relationship position.

I’m in addition recognizing upon great deal of thought that while I today virtually entirely leading and ID as a result, for some time lifetime I defined my self to others as a ‘top-leaning change’ – i believe a high identification believed very large and impressive and daunting if you ask me so it decided something I’d to earn, or like if I stated it then i might let you down sexual lovers. Unclear just what Ii believed helped me more of a « real » top or « only » a top – did i do believe I had to develop much more experience? That tops must much more masc-presenting? That I should just be having sex in particular ways? Ambiguous for me now! But to tell the truth, exactly what helped me more confident in contacting myself a top definitely was having a lot more intercourse – noticing that we more or less specifically wished to peak when I performed have intercourse, along with better sex with additional appropriate partners when I was actually obvious about that — as well as that my personal partners seemed to feel like I became over good enough at it.

Drew
:

I typically write-in techniques is generally perceived as susceptible, but authoring this seems vulnerable in ways I really tend to abstain from. Thus I considered not participating! Then again I made the decision that perhaps some people would find what I need to state relatable and I also’m a goddamn character very right here we go.

I really struggle with this concern and these tags. This past year as I ended up being freshly solitary and dating inside queer society the very first time we thought actually focused on finding out which label fit me personally. I agonized over it much. I am aware topping and bottoming outside cis gay male areas simply about specific functions, but I felt — and feel — like my personal identification is complicated as a trans woman with a penis who does not have that penis easily had additional money. That is certainly truly just one of the problems. Additionally that before transitioning I found myself topping because as a cishet male which was what was expected of myself. Thus this past year I imagined well fine next maybe i am a bottom. But that never ever experienced right possibly. But achieved it maybe not feel correct because I don’t have a pussy? Made it happen maybe not feel right because I’m simply not regularly it? Or have always been i recently a top? But what’s expected of a trans girl peak? Personally I think like the assumption is — and has been— I would be screwing some body using my dick that will be not at all something I would like to do aside from very rare cases. I feel like most trans females i am aware have become loudly and proudly bottoms or clothes and now have such quality with what that implies in their eyes aside from their particular relationship to their genitalia. Plus it helps make myself therefore jealous! In the long run I quit about this journey and decided to simply contact my self a switch. But actually that feels incorrect, since when You will find gender I am not necessarily alert to topping or bottoming unless the individual I’m having sex with is very obviously one or even the some other.

My finest sexual experiences have varied very extensively re: gender acts and dynamics. I believe with every new individual — and really each brand-new time with every individual! — i recently wish to meet as two-bodies looking for enjoyment and experience of each other? And I do not say that to mean like I’m above these brands or everything. In fact, be it after surgery or even before I fully propose to end up like « lol recall whenever I had been youthful and silly and did not understand I found myself a BLANK. » I just do not know just what that blank is actually. Is there a test I can take? A Buzzfeed test? Will be useful. tysm!

Rachel, if you don’t mind revealing, what DOES becoming a premier suggest for your requirements? Even decided in this identification and dynamic can it mean various things for you based on your lover?

Rachel:

I could attempt to, yeah! With the same caveat that like, this does not feel repaired and it seems truly possible I possibly could read straight back with this in a-year and feel/say something else? I believe nowadays it indicates most concretely that I believe most comfortable and thinking about ‘doing to’ my sex partners instead having anything done to me personally, and frequently even if my personal intimate lovers actually want to bang me or drop on me or etc etc, I believe at the best only medium enthusiastic about obtaining that, and most of that time certainly not after all interested. In a meaningful sense that will get much more at want, everything I really escape gender or exactly what it ~ way to me personally ~, I think exactly what seems truly the answer to me personally about sex immediately and what will get me off most is creating a space and assisting another person’s knowledge of becoming truly susceptible and sensation rigorous things, like sexual climaxes or rigorous sensory stuff or becoming in a certain vulnerable headspace pertaining to bottoming. But Really don’t genuinely have a desire to stay in that susceptible space me or feel plenty of rigorous circumstances (at least on a physical level). Nearly all of my hottest sex might identified giving intensive encounters for other men and women, plus it seems really hot and best that you us to type of maintain fee of a sexual knowledge so that it’s easy for each other to arrive at that location, if that is practical.

But also a covering for this is that I Would Personally say We Haven’t got entirely vanilla gender for…. years? So there’s maybe usually some level of intentional energy dynamic or kink dynamic around that, and I also you shouldn’t actually know exactly how much of an improvement that makes! I would want to notice thoughts on that off their people!

Drew:

That seriously is practical! I am interesting to listen to from you or someone else exactly who recognizes as a top the method that you made the decision that that was ok? I assume personally i think this stress or idea that intimate stress or dysphoria or maybe just good ol’ trend emotional walls would be the reasons why you should would you like to give attention to carrying out to as opposed to being done to and they are things to work through. But perhaps those activities can be the explanation and this doesn’t mean they should be overcome? Never to immediately bring the talk to a potentially dark colored place, but I guess i’m a specific guilt or something while I enjoy topping. Like I ask yourself if absolutely this entire other globe i possibly could in addition take pleasure in or would take pleasure in more if I only worked through my personal crap like some kind of bottom FOMO. But perhaps that is not genuine? Possibly the shit I want to function with is simply preconceived notions in what gender is supposed to indicate. Really wondering every person’s thoughts!

Rachel:

Haha If Only We realized! I found myself only considering love, « i ought to actually come back and meet the requirements this by discussing that I experienced a soul-crushing divorce and general personal crucible and it’s truly impossible to say whether this might be some immutable trait of my own or like a clear deficit in terms of having the ability to engage authentically with vulnerability. »

But maybe you’re right and it doesn’t matter? Or the distinction between « real wish to have reasons » and « fake wish to have the Wrong explanations » actually real, much more especially.

Shelli
:

I usually knew that I wanted to really have the the majority of control in almost any sexual scenario; its whenever I thought happiest & most fired up. I needed to get the only to address, start plus — I happened to ben’t aware that would definitely coincide with a certain intimate concept until later.

Within my finally relationship it started beside me topping then again turned much more to bottoming. I look on it and believe because I became the woman first wlw union, I wanted this lady feeling safe inside her queerness and I also felt that offering the girl additional control sexually was the easiest way to do this. When that connection finished we realized i really could have discovered better ways to promote the lady as opposed to losing my personal sexual determine, although it was still pleasing.

However, we identify as a Femme Top Leaning turn – today light from the change, and I also believe my personal trip in finding out the thing I determine as is over. In my most recent informal affairs (wow I sound like an early 90s lifetime flick) i have been leading in most except one and it all thought comfy and dope.

Carolyn
:

Sometimes I mention my personal very early intimate history like, « well I thought I found myself a leading and transforms out…, » and even though that is not precisely true since there wasn’t that type of energy powerful existing, I found myself often the person carrying out a lot of factors to associates’ figures. In addition failed to know We appreciated penetration, do not get faraway from hands-on stimulation, as well as have never enjoyed getting oral due to an early intimate assault, so me personally doing what to other individuals just made a lot more feeling compared to reverse. But the actual fact that there weren’t direct power characteristics like we now keep company with kink, there had been constantly energy imbalances from inside the other person’s benefit – these people were more experienced, or they certainly were 10 years more mature – and I eroticized the crap regarding that.

I quickly had my first proper bottoming experiences also it felt like a complete globe opened up. The concept of other things ever again believed inconceivable.

I became a submissive in a lifestyle kink dynamic that started as the truest relationship i have actually skilled and easily turned into exceptionally muddled with very real energy imbalances and systems of control with techniques that we believed had been very apparent they moved without saying and which that ex decided not to, I think, understand existed. Giving out energy is only hot — for everyone — for those who have capacity to share. Circumstances would not work right or i might see inconsistencies or lies and think, « Well easily give away a lot more power and we agree with protocols for this subsequently that fix every thing! » and that’s why i obtained my divorce or separation documents back at my 30th birthday.

Where relationship, which had been D/s seriously featuring age play, I became just a little girl. The end of that dynamic left me personally not merely perhaps not experiencing secure being bit any more, but also not feeling safe being a lady any longer although I switched « hard femme » doing 10. With length, it is better to note that I had sex thoughts a long time before we previously came across that ex and therefore ex had absolutely nothing to perform whatsoever with me figuring it out (someone else performed but they never deserve the display screen time), but the situation did leave myself experiencing alienated from the kink identity that had believed most real.

Just now we study Rachel’s response that begins « i believe immediately this means most concretely that personally i think beloved and interested in ‘doing to’ my personal intercourse partners as opposed to having everything completed to me personally, » and had a minute of, « hold off was we a top??? » Because that’s exactly me at this time. I don’t need or feel secure getting specifically prone with people normally, although i am aware and then have training with empowered bottoming, I do not feel enthusiastic about it or even in subspace nowadays. But. In addition wish associates to make use of my own body like a fucktoy just for them. I don’t want to be susceptible, and that I do not want my human body specifically tangled up in everything we’re carrying out, but within whatever space they will have created as a premier I want them to use us to fuck and beat the shit of them and make them clean their come-off my floor on the hips afterward.

I nonetheless would like to get railed, but mostly i do want to contemplate that alone time, you are sure that?

Another little bit of all things are I also have an additional group of kinks that require a high skillset and information base to train in a risk-aware type of means, and I haven’t any doms within my existence with those skills and understanding, so particularly in quarantine they can be merely significantly shelved.

Shelli:

Okay but Rachel we concurred with so many things that you mentioned.

+ that the ID « leading » was at 1st very daunting, though it was something that I became already undertaking.

+ we accept taking pleasure in creating an area when it comes down to person i am with to feel, end up being guided, discover and certainly log off is a huge aspect in me getting off. To be the only accountable for having these to that destination is actually gratifying.

One of many people I found myself fucking pre-covid though performed that for me personally and it made me switch for her and that I believe it felt brilliant to base because i did not need to « teach » the woman everything plus it was among the better gender we ever endured.

I became hella fulfilled but my all-natural inclination to top was needs to occur it was not something i needed to do with her.

Carolyn:

Wow tops you don’t need to instruct very first? What’s that like lol

(kidding additionally perhaps not)

Carolyn:

Really, i will be interested in the character that knowledge plays in everybody’s identification or measures, either standalone or relative to any given sexual lover. Shelli your story about bottoming to an individual who was at an initial wlw relationship really was interesting to me, due to the fact usually narratives will be the contrary

Shelli:

I found myself surprised nevertheless vibrant was actually quick. We kinda fought for control but quit. It absolutely was fantastic as well as in that second inside my existence what I wanted/needed sexually but In addition felt my organic desires beginning to arise as a result it would have been time for a discussion. Considering back too, I truthfully don’t also believe she understood I defined as a premier.

Rachel:

Carolyn I am thus interested that that resonates available with respect to bottoming – this is so helpful to myself because i believe in many my own encounters it is resolved such folks bottoming in my situation features absolutely already been embodied by them like, letting me personally accessibility their body, however that’s not a requirement or just what bottoming inherently « is »! I might want to notice much more about just what bottoming might check or feel for your needs if it doesn’t necessarily consist of becoming vulnerable or having your human body be ‘done to’ if you should be prepared for dealing with it.

I think with respect to experience like, I’m thinking about exactly what Shelli you are stating about without having to show someone (lol) and about generating a place; I do believe it absolutely was in retrospect a genuine game changer in my opinion to learn that like ‘technique’ or ‘how’ to bang somebody or get some one off was not actually the essential expertise for topping someone well, and the majority of of the modifications person to person anyhow; the expertise that i must say i needed a lot of to get a beneficial very top was that kind of relational ability generating someone feel secure but that makes it obvious to you both that you’re responsible  — and checking space in order for them to perform or feel or even be in a susceptible, uninhibited way. Which that skill was actually one thing I already had experience with and in actual fact practice in every single part of my entire life already (like even editing, lmao). Therefore when we linked much more with this and leaned in it more, « experience » by itself did not feel as essential, and topping felt much more comfortable and organic and people who bottomed for me responded to it therefore totally. And I reckon thatis also the part for me that feels as though it bridges « vanilla » intercourse and kink – is if i’m delivering that type of relational position to your encounter, that is what lets the energy powerful develop, whatever « kind of sex we’re having. »

Malic
:

Yes! we 100per cent accept you, Rachel. For me, topping concerns curating a sexual experience. « approach » has its location, but energy characteristics, words and producing space for susceptability are very way more important if you are acquiring some one off.

My earliest sexual dreams (and soon after, my personal earliest intimate experiences) involved me topping. Maybe this had something you should perform with all the directly females I dated as a individual. Maybe I Happened To Be #bornthisway?

These days I explain myself personally as a « top-leaning switch. » For me, it means: 1. I constantly enjoy providing enjoyment, 2. I enjoy obtaining pleasure from specific folks in particular situations and 3. I am able to finest from {a place|a location|a